Bye Bye Bertha

Bertha is gone.  I am home.  I look like I am 10months pregnant.  I am looking forward to deflating.  My boys are good.  They know mom is not normal so they are being mellow.  I am pretty loopy.  Gonna take a shower.

I am 33 I *had cancer and I look like I am about to give birth.

Life is fragile.  Say your I Love You's!

It isn't brave if you aren't scared.....

The time of surgery was set at my pre-op for 7:30 am on Wednesday the 27th.  Now this is both good and bad.  Good because I will have my DR fresh off a good nights rest, bad because I have to be there at 6am & Denver is about a 2 hour drive from my house. So with less than 72 hours to go there is a theme word - Anxious.  


For the last few weeks I was happily distracted by my annual camping trip.  I in fact put off my surgery until after it, I figured if this could be my last 'camp mustard' I wasn't going to miss it.  My friends are so supportive.  They had a green ribbon added to our t-shirts,  they wore green bandannas, and they had kidney cancer bracelets on.  It was very humbling to see their small but so deeply meaningful gestures.  We were able to joke about Bertha, and what effects she has on my body.  They helped put me totally at ease with everything.  I love those people!  I am grateful to have them in my life.

The last week has been getting all my work responsibilities in order, and making sure my house would be ready for my return.  Now that all that is pretty much done I'm anxious.  I had a wonderful pre-op appointment on Friday with my DR.  Joy had us very prepared for the question and answer portion.  She took notes and I am going into it fully aware of everything I felt I needed to know.  I am still anxious beyond measure mostly because I want it over.  Much like when my biopsy loomed in the future I wanted time to hurry up so I would have that part done.  I don't want to do any of this.  I don't want to have cancer, I don't want to loose my kidney, I don't want to have surgery I however do not have a choice.  So since I have to I just want to get this party started- lets get in, get it out & move on. Cancer thought it wanted to dance with me - This will be our LAST dance.  I don't want to put on a false face, I am scared but I am ready to face my fear and tell it to sit down and shut up.  I'm reminded of something I heard once - Isn't brave if you aren't scared.  Well if that is the case I am sure brave.  


I'm 33, I have cancer and I am a anxious but brave woman. 

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's.

Theme Song

So I am really into music. Not in the snobby way, I am not a band snob but in the I like it on all the time kind of way.  I like all kinds - Classic Rock, Country, New Age, New Wave, Pop, some Rap, some Hard rock, Classical, I can go on with more but you get my point.  If you have ever been lucky enough for me to make you a mix CD you may understand the way I put it all together.  It has to flow, It has to mean something, it has to evoke an emotion.  I LOVE soundtracks because they tell a story of the emotional stuff that can't always be expresses with words.  So being this uber music lover I started to make a cancer list.  Songs that make me feel happy and strong.  I have a nice list started but It needs a lead track - a theme song.  I have come up with "All Fired Up" by Pat Benatar.  Its got great crescendos that make me smile & feel feisty.  Read the lyrics, or listen to it on you tube and let me know what you think, or provide me with suggestions.

Livin' with my eyes closed, goin' day to day

I never knew the difference, I never cared either way

Lookin' for a reason, searchin' for a sign

Reachin' out with both hands, I gotta feel the kick inside

Ain't nobody livin', in a perfect world

Everybody's out there, cryin' to be heard

Now I got a new fire, burnin' in my eyes

Lightin' up the darkness, movin' like a meteorite

Now I believe there comes a time

When everything just falls in line

We live an' learn from our mistakes

The deepest cuts are healed by faith

It may seems silly to come up with a theme song for cancer, or make a soundtrack for it.  This is me this an its just the way I roll =)  

I am 33 I have cancer and it needs a theme song.

Live is fragile - Say your I Love You's

Life doesn't stop....

So when you find out you have cancer - somewhere inside life stops.  All you think about is the cancer and other things to do with cancer.  But back in the 'other world' it keeps moving.  Then suddenly you stop thinking about caner and you are like CRAP there is a lot of non cancer stuff to do.  So now you are in this mind blazing  fury of 'I have to do this and I have to that and I have caner'.  So here I sit blogging about my realizations that there is a ton of stuff I need to do that doesn't have a single thing to do with cancer instead of working on the exceptionally long list I have compiled.  It's a miracle anyone survives with all this life going on =)

I am 33 I have cancer and a list a mile long of stuff to do!

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Breakdown

Last night I had an emotional breakdown.  It was an image of a paper bag that did me in.

Oh I know its just a bag with my name on it, but its what it stands for that brought to the surface all the emotions I have kept at bay.

It was that my friends care enough about me that they stand with me.  I have never been very comfortable with other people that love & care about me.  Its sort of a responsibility to that love that you must try to live up to it. I know in 'blessings' I talk about what they do for me, but not what I do for them.  Truthfully I am clueless about what I possibly can provide to them.  I am scared I can't or won't be able to provide anything to them.  Is that logical, probably not, but its what I feel.

It was the tangible paper bag that says 'cancer'.  Not just cancer but I have cancer.  There is a malignancy living in my body.  It makes me angry.  It makes me scared.  It makes me sad.  Bertha shouldn't be there, but she is & I will deal with her.

So after I got out all my ridiculous uncontrollable crying.  I started to think.  The literature says as the cancer patient I may ask why me - That hasn't happened yet.  What I have thought is why not me.  I have the physical and mental ability to deal with it.  I also have insurance (imperfect as it is) & the financial means to see great doctors.  I have the gigantic group of people to help me.  I am a perfect fit for cancer.  I am going to kick its ass all the way back to its microscopic beginnings & then I will smush it into the nothingness from whence it came.

I am 33 I have cancer and a paper bag makes me weepy.

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's