Greedy Crooks

Insurance companies are greedy crooks.  There isn't any other way to put it. Its bad enough to have cancer, but to have to deal with those money grubbing dirt-bags is like poop icing on my cancer cake. I understand companies need/want to make profits but holy cow! They stipulate some of their rules and regulations in such wordy junk its a wonder anyone can comprehend them.  I think tax rules are written more clearly than insurance policy's. The saddest part is I have some medical knowledge and am fairly smart, I can catch on to some of it, but what happens to the guy/gal who doesn't have a lick of medical knowledge & doesn't understand the complex policy?  I think when you find out you have cancer the 1st thing the doctor should do is send you to a insurance company/policy expert.  To help navigate the torrid waters that are your insurance company.
Between myself and my employer in the 4 years I have worked at my location we have paid $17,000 to the insurance company.  Until Bertha I used maybe $2000 worth of services, colds/flu, well checks & drugs.  These crooks have the gonads to tell me that because my CAT scans were done in a hospital not a clinic I have to pay and EXTRA $250 EACH TIME that DOESN'T apply to my deductible. There isn't even a CAT scan clinic in my city! Its so disconcerting that we live in such a greedy money hungry world.  Why is it that the profits made for investors is more important than the decent thing to do?  Where has common sense and decency gone?  I believe it resides in almost every human why doesn't it show?  Does it die? Does it become dormant?
I am 33 I have cancer & I am questioning my faith in humanity.
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Memorial Day

As I have no intention on needing any sort of memorial any time soon I thought it appropriate to share some thoughts on those who are gone from the living plane.

Grandma Sara Fae:  OH I don't need a single day to think of her, she is always on my mind.  She was so pivotal to my life.  Her passing was bitter sweet.  I knew she would be in a new and painless place, but I miss her.  She was overwhelmingly positive.  She always had a cup that was full.  I hope I can be her positive legacy  & continue to face complicated and simple challenges with grace and hope.

Grandma Rosa Carolyn:  I thank her.  I believe I found Bertha because of her.  Think what you want but my reason for going to have tests done was because of a painful lump that showed up not long after she died.  I think she saw something that she couldn't see when she was corporeal.  She saw Bertha and she used her spirit to inexplicably poke me over and over and over to say 'go to the doctor'.  My painful lump turned out to be nothing and has since gone away.  I will always believe that she saved my life.  She and I were far too alike to get along very well.  We would butt heads over everything but I loved her.  I loved her for the lessons of independence she taught my family.  I miss her, but I am sure she is with me.

So on this memorial day - I hope we can remember to say and do what needs to be said and done long before a memorial is needed.
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's

Blessings

I find myself in a very unique situation.  Since my cancer diagnosis I have become keenly aware of the bountiful blessings in my life.  I haven't always recognized these gifts.  For a good number of years I have known I was lucky, but its never been as overwhelmingly obvious as it is now.

I have 2 parents that are supportive, smart, love me & each other, and are shining examples of what parents should be like for everyone. Their stability, intelligence, and humility have cultivated me into the person I am today.  The most important lessons I learned from them were not in words but in actions.  Love your partner, respect those who deserve it, be loyal, be honest, be selfless, be the best person you can be. They are my foundation. Thank you mom and dad for being my parents.

I have a life partner that understands my bad humor and quirks.  The love we share grows deeper with every passing day.  Our relationship isn't flashy or false.  We are best friends that truly enjoy one anothers company.  He helps me bring quite to my soul, so that I can focus on tasks at hand and let go of the minutia that can start to overwhelm me. He is MY better half.  He is my home. Thank you Tim for being my best friend.

I have a sister that isn't one by birth but has been more family to me than I ever could have imagined.  Growing up as an only child I always longed for the kind of closeness we have.  I believe I wished for her to come into my life and the greater powers saw fit to grant me my wish. She helps me to remember to stand up, because even when I am petrified I will fall down she is always at my back to catch me. Since the kitchen is is the heart of the house - she is my kitchen. Thank you Joy for being my sister.

Thanks in no small part to the maturity of my parents I have an amazingly close extended family.  I am lucky enough to know them all and love them all.  Again growing up as an only child your cousins are the closest thing you have to siblings and I love them in a way not common among extended families.  My aunts and uncles are back bones for my parents and help me to be a better human.  This was always my normal, and I find as I get older this is actually not most peoples normal.  I take my normal in heart beat over the alternative. These people are MY people.  They are like me, they have the same quirks and bad humor as I do. They are all a little different but yet the same.  They are my random smiles and warm n fuzzy insides.  These people are my roof. Thank you Tom, Pat, Rick, Linda, Keith, Liz, Tammy, Dale, Chris, Clint, Mindy, Carol, Paul, Becky, Shawn, Alene & Peggy for being my family.

Lastly, but in no way least are my friends.  I have collected quite a crew!  I should say I have been blessed with quite a crew.  I have 2 girlfriends that I have been best friends with for nearly 20 years.  We have seen each other at highs, lows and everywhere in between. I have my 'kids' - a collection of 20+ people that I have known for 15 years.  We are a mix of hippies, professionals, music efficiantos, and nerds.  How this group came to exist would take a book to explain.  But we are 'the kids'.  We have what very few can claim - a group of friends that can at any moment spring any plan into action.  We are our own village.  We are a powerful force to mess with, but open to accepting new 'kids'.  We are dynamic, and humble. I learn various lessons from each individual.  These are my studs. Thank you Danielle, Kelly, Drew, Jay, Shaundra, Jer, Tony, Trish, Raymond, Amanda, Heath, Brian, Kel, Frank, Chuck, Kelly, Carlos, Laurie, Zac, Cristina, Paublita & F for being my 'kids'

I cannot be thankful enough to have these blessings.  I am not sure what I ever did to deserve them.  I am humbled by their love and their support.  I know there are other people that could use some of the same support I have.  I wish I knew how to share it.  I feel selfish keeping it all to myself.  I am 33, I have cancer, and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Life is fragile - Say your I love you's!

Inoculations

So my mother was a nurse for 40+ years.  She is very nurse minded.  She tells me yesterday "you should call your PCP and make sure you are up to date on all of your shots".  Bless her - who on earth finds out they have cancer and thinks "when was my last tetanus shot".  I am now trying to formulate a way to call my DR's office and not sound like a whack O when I say "do i need a pertussis booster".  I am 33 and I have cancer - do i really have to get shots too?
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Random questions

I've thought of some random questions.  For instance - a kidney is about the size of a fist, and then its shielded by  a bunch of fat so lets say its the size of a fist with another hand around it. #1 how does something that size come out of a tube?  Is it like vacuumed sealed into a surgical space bag 1st?  #2 once its out what ends up in the space where it used to be?  Is there a big ol' air bubble in there?  Will it be like my own personal flotation device? OR will my other innards move around and end up occupying the space?  Couldn't that be kind of bad - like lets say later on someone needs to find my liver or something else and they can't find it b/c its moved.  These are just my random wondering for the day....  I'm sure I will come up with more later.
Life is fragile, Say your I love you's.

WHOO HOOO

So its been a super long day.  I am going on like 4 hours sleep.  Great news is keeping me going.  Happy dancing has erupted spuratically. I have stage 1 TA ( I think was the specific designation) kidney cancer.  This means its the lowest grade/type there is!  Kidney cancer is apparently a very very slow growing cancer & I have likely been growing big Bertha for 10-20 years.  Kidney caner grows 1/4 to 1/2 a cm a year.  WOW this beeyatch has been in there for a long time! My rock stars theory about why she is seeing more young people with it is because of advancements in scanning.  These are being caught by accident.  Had it not been seen on the MRI by accident for me it could have been 20 more years before it started to cause enough problems for them to go looking for it. The rock star dose not think ANY chemo or radiation will be needed!  This will depend on the margins when the kidney is removed and pathology looks at it, but fingers crossed no poison! She will come out June 27th then a few weeks of rest! Ass kicked!  Moving on!
Again I say life is fragile.  Say your I love you's!

Results

Hello mortality, my name is Kat - I had no interest in meeting you so soon, but hey these are my cards and I will deal with what I've got.
The results are in.  Its confirmed Renal cell adenocarcinoma, low grade.  Likely stage 1 cancer.  I will have a bone scan to be sure its not in my bones, but seeing as the rest of my innards have been looked at and are clear I am sticking with the attitude that my bones will be clear as well. I am headed to Denver tomorrow to see a urological oncologist who, based on her bio information, is like a rock star of the kidney cancer world. I am feeling some relief knowing what it is and by this time tomorrow I hope to have an attack plan in place. Life truly is short and its fragile, remember to say your I love you's.
This is a link to my 'rock star' Urological oncologist. http://www.coloradourologists.com/urologists/wilson_shandra.htm

OUCH

I am home from my biopsy.  Wow that was not fun.  The entire process I was stone cold sober.  No ativan, valume or xanex.  No sedation at all.  Just lidocaine.  Lidocaine burns like a son of a gun when they inject it.  As they inserted the big needle into the tumor they kept injecting.  At one point I thought my insides were on fire and the sensation went all the way down my leg.  When they got into the right spot and and were about to start taking the tissue the lidocaine started ware off.  That was awful! Like the worst menstral cramp I have ever had.  If labor is anything like that I am glad I don't plan on kids.  I am so glad that this part is over.  Time to take a vicoden and have a nap now.

Biopsy day

Biopsy in 2 hours!  I am a little scared it's going to hurt.  I am thankful that I live in america, that the technology is available to do this, that I have health insurance, that its 2012 and not 1912. I am pretty scatter brained this morning.  I should focus on cleaning out the purse so I can take just the stuff i need.

I never would have believed that I could get sick, or that I would need a biopsy.  It all still feels so surreal.

Empathy where have you gone?

I am typically a very empathetic person.  I am thoughtful, I consider everyone's feelings and emotions.  I put myself in their shoes.  Not feeling that way now.  All I can think about is myself.  Joy had a good point today at lunch.  Perhaps its my consciousness getting ready to do battle.  Like it can't spend the energy on anyone but me.  I think I am uniquely suited to this behavior as an only child, thinking just about me has been my instinct for many many many years.  I have spent a whole lot of time suppressing that instinct so as to be a better human, but for now I am just gonna go with it.

Anxiety

I am so anxious today I can't even explain it.  I feel like I did as a kid when I knew we were going to Gunnison for the weekend, excited type butterfly's except this isn't excited, its scared. Horrible dark thoughts, fears of things I can't understand.  So far I have been able to keep distracted at work with work & at home with other stuff, but today its creeping into my work.

Yesterday all I thought about were my herbs and how pretty they all look and how I hope I don't let them die.  It was a very good day.  I guess this is how cancer goes, some good days and some bad ones.  I really can not wait till Friday when I hope to know what exactly forms Bertha and how we attack her.

T Minus 6 days

So I will have my CT guided biopsy on Wednesday and should have real results on Friday 05/18/12.  This week CAN NOT go by fast enough.  I have resisted the urge to Google too much there are still too many what ifs.  This has been extremely hard to do.  Google is like a drug, you know its just waiting for you to type something in and it will give you results. Last time I Googled causes of kidney cancer it told me it mostly strikes 50+ year old black men. As I am a 33 year old white woman I found this to be annoying, so I stopped Googling.

Yesterday I was having a pity party for myself in my head.  I wanted to stay home and feel sorry for myself, instead I went to Drew's graduation and cried like a baby.  I didn't think about 'big Bertha' (Bertha is what I named my tumor) at all during the ceremony.  I was so exceptionally proud of my friend Drew and his wife Danielle for having the courage to do something so difficult - go down to 1 income with 2 small kids - to pursue a dream.  That is really what life is about, tumors or no tumors, chasing your dreams.

So tick tock tick tock lets go 6 days - I want to know what Bertha is.  I want a real game plan about how to deal with her.  I want to get back on Google!

Dreams

So I didn't expect the really wacky dreams.  I have slept with cancer for 2 nights and both nights - CRAZYness was going on inside my brain. Now this is obviously not because the cancer is present, but because I KNOW that its there.  Until 2 days ago I had normal, boring, I didn't remember them kinda dreams. I am going to look at this and just be grateful I can sleep at all.  I like to sleep it makes me a far more pleasant and productive human during the day.

The Beginning

Its pretty surreal to hear someone tell you that you have cancer.  The word just sort of lingers in the air.  However I will say its even more surreal to tell other people you have cancer.  The reactions vary - some cry, some get super inquisitive, some are quiet, some don't know what to say.  You hear a lot of sorry's, and you'll be in their prayers.  Truth is there aren't any right words - what I was looking for, what I needed and what I eventually received from my 'people' was a normal conversation.  I don't want my discussions to be centered around biopsy's and doctors.  I want to hear Kelly tell me a story about her son's love of burping at completely inappropriate times.  I want to hear Danielle tell me about a book I just HAVE to read and then laugh that Kelly shouldn't read it due to its provocative content.  If anything I have gained a unique perspective of the importance of time & spending it with people I love & enjoy.