Breakdown

Last night I had an emotional breakdown.  It was an image of a paper bag that did me in.

Oh I know its just a bag with my name on it, but its what it stands for that brought to the surface all the emotions I have kept at bay.

It was that my friends care enough about me that they stand with me.  I have never been very comfortable with other people that love & care about me.  Its sort of a responsibility to that love that you must try to live up to it. I know in 'blessings' I talk about what they do for me, but not what I do for them.  Truthfully I am clueless about what I possibly can provide to them.  I am scared I can't or won't be able to provide anything to them.  Is that logical, probably not, but its what I feel.

It was the tangible paper bag that says 'cancer'.  Not just cancer but I have cancer.  There is a malignancy living in my body.  It makes me angry.  It makes me scared.  It makes me sad.  Bertha shouldn't be there, but she is & I will deal with her.

So after I got out all my ridiculous uncontrollable crying.  I started to think.  The literature says as the cancer patient I may ask why me - That hasn't happened yet.  What I have thought is why not me.  I have the physical and mental ability to deal with it.  I also have insurance (imperfect as it is) & the financial means to see great doctors.  I have the gigantic group of people to help me.  I am a perfect fit for cancer.  I am going to kick its ass all the way back to its microscopic beginnings & then I will smush it into the nothingness from whence it came.

I am 33 I have cancer and a paper bag makes me weepy.

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's