Pathology

Two weeks post op & I have excellent news to share. The pathology report is back. The cancer was completely contained with in the kidney and all the margins were clean. So now I just have to wait 5 years to officially be cancer free. Recoverey has been slow but steady. I am currently recuperating in the mountains. Being this close to the earth in her more natural environment is wonderful. Every evening Tim and I take the dogs for a walk and even when it's been a challenging day, the walk feels like a little bit of normal is comming back. I'm 33 I *had cancer and I love my mountain recovery! Life is fragile. Say your I Love You's!

Blow by Blow of Surgery

Day 1 Pre- op…

There a party going on in my little pre-op curtain cubical.  I had Rhonda the pre-op nurse.  She was friendly while repeating a list of questions that she must repeat dozens of times a day.  She gave me an IV.  She was kind enough to use some lidocaine before she put in the 16 gauge tube.  I was grateful.  

Then came the anesthesiologists.  My procedure was done at a teaching hospital, so there are lots of ‘learners’.  1^st was the very handsome learning anesthesiologist who had a battery of questions and information, then came his teacher who wasn’t as cute, so didn’t make me feel so shy, with more of the same questions.  Then came ‘the lurkers’ as I came to call them i.e. the ‘urological residents’.  There were 2 of them there, neither of them I had met previously.  They were asking questions and very chatty, then came DR Wilson, their teacher, with a few words.  I inspected the resident’s hands; both of them had big hands.  I again asked DR Wilson if she would be the one to stick her hand in to remove the kidney. Next up was my operating room nurse who assured me she would be gentle when she put in my catheter.  I was apprehensive about the catheter, as my urethra until this point has been virginal.  Add to this mix my mother, who bless her heart was sort of in the way trying to be nurse Stevens instead of ‘mom’, my dad who was trying to stay out of the way while joking with the DR’s and Tim – who I think just really wanted a cup of coffee.  So the anesthesiologist makes me give my glasses to my mother and they get kicked out. I still have the staff.  Across the way there were an older man and a woman getting their pre-op party as well.  They were a father and daughter.  She was donating her Kidney to her dad.  As I begin to realize that is what is going on I feel weepy.  There is a woman giving life to her father across the way and I am loosing mine for no reason other than it’s full of abnormal cells.  I cry.  Rhonda attempts to be comforting, then the cute anesthesiologist pops back in and I really feel silly, that makes me cry more.  This makes him feel uncomfortable, bless anesthesiologists & CRNA’s they have a tough job, but let’s face it their patients are usually asleep, not blubbering, crying emotional wrecks.   So he looks at his teacher – Teacher jumps in with ‘if we need to’ blah blah blah, then cute student says once we get into the OR he will be inserting an ART line into my wrist so he can monitor my blood pressure through the procedure and he is going to give me something to make me calm.  I think the calming drug was to both of our benefits as I am a crying mess and we are both uncomfortable.  Off we head to the OR – He says he has given me calming meds, and asks how I feel.  I say something to the effect of ‘okay’.  The OR is BRIGHT!  I can feel the heat of the lights.  I say something about the lights, my OR nurse asks me to slide over to the operating table and poof that’s it.  Next thing I know I am in recovery.  I am begging my recovery nurse for water, she says no.  I say what about ice chips, she says no.  I am starting to really hate her.  I say what about swabs and she finally relents.  So at last my Sahara of a mouth is getting some relief.  She isn’t very forceful with the glycerin swab so I reach up and aid her hand in really getting at it.  She is asking me to give my pain a number, I am sure this isn’t the most pain I have ever had so I don’t say 10, I guess it at an 8 ½.  She gives me drugs and I lose some more time. Next thing I know we are back at the fight over some precipitation for my mouth.  She is attempting to explain I could get sick I keep assuring her I am not the least bit nauseated.  I get more glycerin swabbing, I still think I hate her.  I give my pain a 7 and poof more time gone.  Then my mom and dad and I think maybe Tim are there. I ask them for water and my mother somehow convinces the PACU nurse to try ice chips.  I am in heaven!   Then I ask my mom for my glasses, she tries to explain she forgot them and tried to go back for them and the staff wouldn’t let her.  I become irrationally upset.  I whine and pout.  Tim tells me she was anxious to get back to see me and I tell Tim I don’t care I want to punch her in her whole face, while using my pointer finger to circle my face, for forgetting my glasses.  I don’t have any reason for my reaction.  It’s not even like my eyes were that open.  I was acting like a total asshole.  In a sober mind physical violence isn’t where I go.  I don’t believe in it, I in fact despise it.

At some point I get my glasses & I am headed to my room.  I get to my room, I meet my floor nurse.  We move to the bed.  My nurse and another nurse move me up in my bed.  I cry.  I can’t remember the last time physical pain made me cry but this hurt like I can’t even explain.  I ask for water and a sprite.  The nurse gets me the best cup of icy cold water I have ever had in my life & Tim heads out to get me a sprite.  We go through the pain scale again.  I am now at about a 5 ½ to 6.  I get some IV morphine.  I look at my arms.  It looks like the quote from ‘Steel Magnolias’ someone has been driving nails into my arms.  There is dried blood all over my wrists and forearms.  One side is a blown ART line.  I guess Mr. Cutie pie anesthesiologist missed.  The other side isn’t as bruised or ugly; I am guessing he finally hit it. I also now have 2 IV ports, one on each side.

I drink my sprite.  Tim gives me a smooch and heads home.  He has to work the next day.  I sleep.  At some point Joy and my little people are there.  They bring me beautiful flowers.  Tim’s mom also sends a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  One of them has a lady bug glued to it.  I think they are awesome. 

 The little people I think are a bit shocked by my tubes and bruises and stuff.  I think I have to pee so the boys leave the room and I get up for the 1^st time.  OUCH again I cry.  I get to the bath room and I can’t remember how to urinate.  It won’t come.  I feel disconnected from my body.  I know I need to go but I can’t get it to start.  I decide to walk.  I walk up and down the hall with Joy and my little people.  It feels good to move.  I try to pee again.  No luck.  I get back into bed.  My pain is bad.  Typically they use PO (by mouth) Percocet and Vicoden to control pain, but I can’t take Percocet it makes me vomit and that is the LAST thing in the world I want to do.  Just the idea of vomiting makes me cringe in pain.  So I am getting 1mg of morphine every 2 hours and 2 Vicoden PO every 6 hours.  I am dozing the 1^st time the lurkers come - Hence their name.  They were just suddenly in the room lurking over me - 4 of them, asking me about pain and stuff.  Joy and my mom explain the pain & my inability to urinate.  So I get an order for 2mg of morphine every 2 hours and a straight cath.  I really wanted avoid being aware of any catheter, but I needed to get the urine OUT so the nurse does a bladder scan & then the strait cath.  I end up with like 800cc’s of output.  I fell much better.  Joy and the little people leave, and my night nurse comes on.  It’s a dude.  I am a little concerned about what happens if I can’t pee again.  I don’t want a dude to put in a catheter.  So the next time I have to pee I think by sheer power of will it comes!  I end up with another 600cc’s out. Hallelujah I can pee again!  It seems I may yet again become normal.   It was a long night.  I needed my injection every 2 hours to stay at about a level 4.  My mom tries to sleep.  I have to bang on things to get her to wake up to help me to the restroom.

Day 2

The lurkers come back in the morning we talk about my pain they change my meds to PO MSContin every 12 hours and 2 Vicoden every 6.  My Dr comes to visit.  We talk about the surgery.  I ask her why it hurts so much.  I hadn’t been prepared for it to hurt THIS much since it was a laparoscopic procedure.  She explains it’s because I am young.  I haven’t ever had any abdominal (gall bladder or appendix) surgery or any kids my insides were tight.  They used a lot of air to puff me up to get to where they needed to go.  She said everything went beautifully.  The surgery was faster than normal because I didn’t have any complications.  The kidney looked good from the outside and that leads her to believe that the cancer is entirely contained inside.  She says that she thinks the pathology will be just what we had previously discussed and all I will need to do is monitor it for 5 years.  She looks at my incisions and concludes those look beautiful too.  I think they look heinous but I am not a doctor so I trust her.  I get up to walk 4 times that day.  I am peeing on my own.  My BUN and creatinine tests are ugly.  I knew they would go up but wow they like LEAPED up.  I worry that my other kidney isn’t working.  I eat some food.  I am feeling more normal.  The PO meds are working much better and my pain is kept between a 2 and a 4.  The night is noisy, as my mother is curled up on her side (making me insanely jealous) snoring away.  By day 3 its time to come home, I get my BUN creatinine results from that morning and they are even more ugly than the day before.  The chief resident comes and explains the numbers will come back down.  It will take a little while for my remaining kidney to kick up from doing 50% of the work to about 80% of the work.  I am grateful to have had access to such a prestigious surgeon and medical facility.  It’s been a week and a day since Bertha was ousted.  I am starting to feel a whole bunch more normal.  My appetite is better and my innards are working properly.  I do not need nearly as much pain meds.  I still am not 100% but I’ve got a great start! 

I am 33 I HAD cancer and I am on the mend!

Life is fragile – Say your I Love You’s! 

Ugly Truths...

So I write this not only as a cathartic way to get out my own junk but on the slim chance someone I don't know will read it and find use for it.  (I intend on being blunt so please don't read if you have queezy tummy's)  So its time for the ugly truths.  Surgery hurts.  The medical folks give you opiates to combat the pain.  Opiates have a nasty side effect OIC, opiate induced constipation.  Basically your entire digestive systems shuts down.  Its normal peristalsis (movement of the muscles & hairs) stops.  This gets pretty painful.    No poop, no gas, not nothing for days.... So now I am having 2 different types of pain, gas & bloating plus the actual surgical procedure.  Another by product of OIC is that any food I consumed past a certain point, can't digest.  So yesterday I vomited dinner from Thursday.  Asparagus looks like green beans when it comes back to say hello. As if all this wasn't bad enough...wait I am also female, so what should show up now??  My period.  Now I have 3 different types of pain, menstrual, bloating & surgical.  I can not honestly say I don't know what pain it what. Its all very uncomfortable.  I am using the stuff that people are given before a colonoscopy to keep my digestive tract moving.... fun (*sarcastically*).  I think I may break out the heating pad for my poor uterus, and I keep ice on the incisions.  I keep thinking it's got to get better.  I just have got to get through this 1st week.  So I will keep doing what I am doing and think about the light at the end of the tunnel where my mid section feels normal again.

I am 33 I had cancer and my body is a wreck!

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Bye Bye Bertha

Bertha is gone.  I am home.  I look like I am 10months pregnant.  I am looking forward to deflating.  My boys are good.  They know mom is not normal so they are being mellow.  I am pretty loopy.  Gonna take a shower.

I am 33 I *had cancer and I look like I am about to give birth.

Life is fragile.  Say your I Love You's!

It isn't brave if you aren't scared.....

The time of surgery was set at my pre-op for 7:30 am on Wednesday the 27th.  Now this is both good and bad.  Good because I will have my DR fresh off a good nights rest, bad because I have to be there at 6am & Denver is about a 2 hour drive from my house. So with less than 72 hours to go there is a theme word - Anxious.  


For the last few weeks I was happily distracted by my annual camping trip.  I in fact put off my surgery until after it, I figured if this could be my last 'camp mustard' I wasn't going to miss it.  My friends are so supportive.  They had a green ribbon added to our t-shirts,  they wore green bandannas, and they had kidney cancer bracelets on.  It was very humbling to see their small but so deeply meaningful gestures.  We were able to joke about Bertha, and what effects she has on my body.  They helped put me totally at ease with everything.  I love those people!  I am grateful to have them in my life.

The last week has been getting all my work responsibilities in order, and making sure my house would be ready for my return.  Now that all that is pretty much done I'm anxious.  I had a wonderful pre-op appointment on Friday with my DR.  Joy had us very prepared for the question and answer portion.  She took notes and I am going into it fully aware of everything I felt I needed to know.  I am still anxious beyond measure mostly because I want it over.  Much like when my biopsy loomed in the future I wanted time to hurry up so I would have that part done.  I don't want to do any of this.  I don't want to have cancer, I don't want to loose my kidney, I don't want to have surgery I however do not have a choice.  So since I have to I just want to get this party started- lets get in, get it out & move on. Cancer thought it wanted to dance with me - This will be our LAST dance.  I don't want to put on a false face, I am scared but I am ready to face my fear and tell it to sit down and shut up.  I'm reminded of something I heard once - Isn't brave if you aren't scared.  Well if that is the case I am sure brave.  


I'm 33, I have cancer and I am a anxious but brave woman. 

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's.

Theme Song

So I am really into music. Not in the snobby way, I am not a band snob but in the I like it on all the time kind of way.  I like all kinds - Classic Rock, Country, New Age, New Wave, Pop, some Rap, some Hard rock, Classical, I can go on with more but you get my point.  If you have ever been lucky enough for me to make you a mix CD you may understand the way I put it all together.  It has to flow, It has to mean something, it has to evoke an emotion.  I LOVE soundtracks because they tell a story of the emotional stuff that can't always be expresses with words.  So being this uber music lover I started to make a cancer list.  Songs that make me feel happy and strong.  I have a nice list started but It needs a lead track - a theme song.  I have come up with "All Fired Up" by Pat Benatar.  Its got great crescendos that make me smile & feel feisty.  Read the lyrics, or listen to it on you tube and let me know what you think, or provide me with suggestions.

Livin' with my eyes closed, goin' day to day

I never knew the difference, I never cared either way

Lookin' for a reason, searchin' for a sign

Reachin' out with both hands, I gotta feel the kick inside

Ain't nobody livin', in a perfect world

Everybody's out there, cryin' to be heard

Now I got a new fire, burnin' in my eyes

Lightin' up the darkness, movin' like a meteorite

Now I believe there comes a time

When everything just falls in line

We live an' learn from our mistakes

The deepest cuts are healed by faith

It may seems silly to come up with a theme song for cancer, or make a soundtrack for it.  This is me this an its just the way I roll =)  

I am 33 I have cancer and it needs a theme song.

Live is fragile - Say your I Love You's

Life doesn't stop....

So when you find out you have cancer - somewhere inside life stops.  All you think about is the cancer and other things to do with cancer.  But back in the 'other world' it keeps moving.  Then suddenly you stop thinking about caner and you are like CRAP there is a lot of non cancer stuff to do.  So now you are in this mind blazing  fury of 'I have to do this and I have to that and I have caner'.  So here I sit blogging about my realizations that there is a ton of stuff I need to do that doesn't have a single thing to do with cancer instead of working on the exceptionally long list I have compiled.  It's a miracle anyone survives with all this life going on =)

I am 33 I have cancer and a list a mile long of stuff to do!

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Breakdown

Last night I had an emotional breakdown.  It was an image of a paper bag that did me in.

Oh I know its just a bag with my name on it, but its what it stands for that brought to the surface all the emotions I have kept at bay.

It was that my friends care enough about me that they stand with me.  I have never been very comfortable with other people that love & care about me.  Its sort of a responsibility to that love that you must try to live up to it. I know in 'blessings' I talk about what they do for me, but not what I do for them.  Truthfully I am clueless about what I possibly can provide to them.  I am scared I can't or won't be able to provide anything to them.  Is that logical, probably not, but its what I feel.

It was the tangible paper bag that says 'cancer'.  Not just cancer but I have cancer.  There is a malignancy living in my body.  It makes me angry.  It makes me scared.  It makes me sad.  Bertha shouldn't be there, but she is & I will deal with her.

So after I got out all my ridiculous uncontrollable crying.  I started to think.  The literature says as the cancer patient I may ask why me - That hasn't happened yet.  What I have thought is why not me.  I have the physical and mental ability to deal with it.  I also have insurance (imperfect as it is) & the financial means to see great doctors.  I have the gigantic group of people to help me.  I am a perfect fit for cancer.  I am going to kick its ass all the way back to its microscopic beginnings & then I will smush it into the nothingness from whence it came.

I am 33 I have cancer and a paper bag makes me weepy.

Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's

Greedy Crooks

Insurance companies are greedy crooks.  There isn't any other way to put it. Its bad enough to have cancer, but to have to deal with those money grubbing dirt-bags is like poop icing on my cancer cake. I understand companies need/want to make profits but holy cow! They stipulate some of their rules and regulations in such wordy junk its a wonder anyone can comprehend them.  I think tax rules are written more clearly than insurance policy's. The saddest part is I have some medical knowledge and am fairly smart, I can catch on to some of it, but what happens to the guy/gal who doesn't have a lick of medical knowledge & doesn't understand the complex policy?  I think when you find out you have cancer the 1st thing the doctor should do is send you to a insurance company/policy expert.  To help navigate the torrid waters that are your insurance company.
Between myself and my employer in the 4 years I have worked at my location we have paid $17,000 to the insurance company.  Until Bertha I used maybe $2000 worth of services, colds/flu, well checks & drugs.  These crooks have the gonads to tell me that because my CAT scans were done in a hospital not a clinic I have to pay and EXTRA $250 EACH TIME that DOESN'T apply to my deductible. There isn't even a CAT scan clinic in my city! Its so disconcerting that we live in such a greedy money hungry world.  Why is it that the profits made for investors is more important than the decent thing to do?  Where has common sense and decency gone?  I believe it resides in almost every human why doesn't it show?  Does it die? Does it become dormant?
I am 33 I have cancer & I am questioning my faith in humanity.
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Memorial Day

As I have no intention on needing any sort of memorial any time soon I thought it appropriate to share some thoughts on those who are gone from the living plane.

Grandma Sara Fae:  OH I don't need a single day to think of her, she is always on my mind.  She was so pivotal to my life.  Her passing was bitter sweet.  I knew she would be in a new and painless place, but I miss her.  She was overwhelmingly positive.  She always had a cup that was full.  I hope I can be her positive legacy  & continue to face complicated and simple challenges with grace and hope.

Grandma Rosa Carolyn:  I thank her.  I believe I found Bertha because of her.  Think what you want but my reason for going to have tests done was because of a painful lump that showed up not long after she died.  I think she saw something that she couldn't see when she was corporeal.  She saw Bertha and she used her spirit to inexplicably poke me over and over and over to say 'go to the doctor'.  My painful lump turned out to be nothing and has since gone away.  I will always believe that she saved my life.  She and I were far too alike to get along very well.  We would butt heads over everything but I loved her.  I loved her for the lessons of independence she taught my family.  I miss her, but I am sure she is with me.

So on this memorial day - I hope we can remember to say and do what needs to be said and done long before a memorial is needed.
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's

Blessings

I find myself in a very unique situation.  Since my cancer diagnosis I have become keenly aware of the bountiful blessings in my life.  I haven't always recognized these gifts.  For a good number of years I have known I was lucky, but its never been as overwhelmingly obvious as it is now.

I have 2 parents that are supportive, smart, love me & each other, and are shining examples of what parents should be like for everyone. Their stability, intelligence, and humility have cultivated me into the person I am today.  The most important lessons I learned from them were not in words but in actions.  Love your partner, respect those who deserve it, be loyal, be honest, be selfless, be the best person you can be. They are my foundation. Thank you mom and dad for being my parents.

I have a life partner that understands my bad humor and quirks.  The love we share grows deeper with every passing day.  Our relationship isn't flashy or false.  We are best friends that truly enjoy one anothers company.  He helps me bring quite to my soul, so that I can focus on tasks at hand and let go of the minutia that can start to overwhelm me. He is MY better half.  He is my home. Thank you Tim for being my best friend.

I have a sister that isn't one by birth but has been more family to me than I ever could have imagined.  Growing up as an only child I always longed for the kind of closeness we have.  I believe I wished for her to come into my life and the greater powers saw fit to grant me my wish. She helps me to remember to stand up, because even when I am petrified I will fall down she is always at my back to catch me. Since the kitchen is is the heart of the house - she is my kitchen. Thank you Joy for being my sister.

Thanks in no small part to the maturity of my parents I have an amazingly close extended family.  I am lucky enough to know them all and love them all.  Again growing up as an only child your cousins are the closest thing you have to siblings and I love them in a way not common among extended families.  My aunts and uncles are back bones for my parents and help me to be a better human.  This was always my normal, and I find as I get older this is actually not most peoples normal.  I take my normal in heart beat over the alternative. These people are MY people.  They are like me, they have the same quirks and bad humor as I do. They are all a little different but yet the same.  They are my random smiles and warm n fuzzy insides.  These people are my roof. Thank you Tom, Pat, Rick, Linda, Keith, Liz, Tammy, Dale, Chris, Clint, Mindy, Carol, Paul, Becky, Shawn, Alene & Peggy for being my family.

Lastly, but in no way least are my friends.  I have collected quite a crew!  I should say I have been blessed with quite a crew.  I have 2 girlfriends that I have been best friends with for nearly 20 years.  We have seen each other at highs, lows and everywhere in between. I have my 'kids' - a collection of 20+ people that I have known for 15 years.  We are a mix of hippies, professionals, music efficiantos, and nerds.  How this group came to exist would take a book to explain.  But we are 'the kids'.  We have what very few can claim - a group of friends that can at any moment spring any plan into action.  We are our own village.  We are a powerful force to mess with, but open to accepting new 'kids'.  We are dynamic, and humble. I learn various lessons from each individual.  These are my studs. Thank you Danielle, Kelly, Drew, Jay, Shaundra, Jer, Tony, Trish, Raymond, Amanda, Heath, Brian, Kel, Frank, Chuck, Kelly, Carlos, Laurie, Zac, Cristina, Paublita & F for being my 'kids'

I cannot be thankful enough to have these blessings.  I am not sure what I ever did to deserve them.  I am humbled by their love and their support.  I know there are other people that could use some of the same support I have.  I wish I knew how to share it.  I feel selfish keeping it all to myself.  I am 33, I have cancer, and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Life is fragile - Say your I love you's!

Inoculations

So my mother was a nurse for 40+ years.  She is very nurse minded.  She tells me yesterday "you should call your PCP and make sure you are up to date on all of your shots".  Bless her - who on earth finds out they have cancer and thinks "when was my last tetanus shot".  I am now trying to formulate a way to call my DR's office and not sound like a whack O when I say "do i need a pertussis booster".  I am 33 and I have cancer - do i really have to get shots too?
Life is fragile - Say your I Love You's!

Random questions

I've thought of some random questions.  For instance - a kidney is about the size of a fist, and then its shielded by  a bunch of fat so lets say its the size of a fist with another hand around it. #1 how does something that size come out of a tube?  Is it like vacuumed sealed into a surgical space bag 1st?  #2 once its out what ends up in the space where it used to be?  Is there a big ol' air bubble in there?  Will it be like my own personal flotation device? OR will my other innards move around and end up occupying the space?  Couldn't that be kind of bad - like lets say later on someone needs to find my liver or something else and they can't find it b/c its moved.  These are just my random wondering for the day....  I'm sure I will come up with more later.
Life is fragile, Say your I love you's.

WHOO HOOO

So its been a super long day.  I am going on like 4 hours sleep.  Great news is keeping me going.  Happy dancing has erupted spuratically. I have stage 1 TA ( I think was the specific designation) kidney cancer.  This means its the lowest grade/type there is!  Kidney cancer is apparently a very very slow growing cancer & I have likely been growing big Bertha for 10-20 years.  Kidney caner grows 1/4 to 1/2 a cm a year.  WOW this beeyatch has been in there for a long time! My rock stars theory about why she is seeing more young people with it is because of advancements in scanning.  These are being caught by accident.  Had it not been seen on the MRI by accident for me it could have been 20 more years before it started to cause enough problems for them to go looking for it. The rock star dose not think ANY chemo or radiation will be needed!  This will depend on the margins when the kidney is removed and pathology looks at it, but fingers crossed no poison! She will come out June 27th then a few weeks of rest! Ass kicked!  Moving on!
Again I say life is fragile.  Say your I love you's!

Results

Hello mortality, my name is Kat - I had no interest in meeting you so soon, but hey these are my cards and I will deal with what I've got.
The results are in.  Its confirmed Renal cell adenocarcinoma, low grade.  Likely stage 1 cancer.  I will have a bone scan to be sure its not in my bones, but seeing as the rest of my innards have been looked at and are clear I am sticking with the attitude that my bones will be clear as well. I am headed to Denver tomorrow to see a urological oncologist who, based on her bio information, is like a rock star of the kidney cancer world. I am feeling some relief knowing what it is and by this time tomorrow I hope to have an attack plan in place. Life truly is short and its fragile, remember to say your I love you's.
This is a link to my 'rock star' Urological oncologist. http://www.coloradourologists.com/urologists/wilson_shandra.htm

OUCH

I am home from my biopsy.  Wow that was not fun.  The entire process I was stone cold sober.  No ativan, valume or xanex.  No sedation at all.  Just lidocaine.  Lidocaine burns like a son of a gun when they inject it.  As they inserted the big needle into the tumor they kept injecting.  At one point I thought my insides were on fire and the sensation went all the way down my leg.  When they got into the right spot and and were about to start taking the tissue the lidocaine started ware off.  That was awful! Like the worst menstral cramp I have ever had.  If labor is anything like that I am glad I don't plan on kids.  I am so glad that this part is over.  Time to take a vicoden and have a nap now.

Biopsy day

Biopsy in 2 hours!  I am a little scared it's going to hurt.  I am thankful that I live in america, that the technology is available to do this, that I have health insurance, that its 2012 and not 1912. I am pretty scatter brained this morning.  I should focus on cleaning out the purse so I can take just the stuff i need.

I never would have believed that I could get sick, or that I would need a biopsy.  It all still feels so surreal.

Empathy where have you gone?

I am typically a very empathetic person.  I am thoughtful, I consider everyone's feelings and emotions.  I put myself in their shoes.  Not feeling that way now.  All I can think about is myself.  Joy had a good point today at lunch.  Perhaps its my consciousness getting ready to do battle.  Like it can't spend the energy on anyone but me.  I think I am uniquely suited to this behavior as an only child, thinking just about me has been my instinct for many many many years.  I have spent a whole lot of time suppressing that instinct so as to be a better human, but for now I am just gonna go with it.

Anxiety

I am so anxious today I can't even explain it.  I feel like I did as a kid when I knew we were going to Gunnison for the weekend, excited type butterfly's except this isn't excited, its scared. Horrible dark thoughts, fears of things I can't understand.  So far I have been able to keep distracted at work with work & at home with other stuff, but today its creeping into my work.

Yesterday all I thought about were my herbs and how pretty they all look and how I hope I don't let them die.  It was a very good day.  I guess this is how cancer goes, some good days and some bad ones.  I really can not wait till Friday when I hope to know what exactly forms Bertha and how we attack her.

T Minus 6 days

So I will have my CT guided biopsy on Wednesday and should have real results on Friday 05/18/12.  This week CAN NOT go by fast enough.  I have resisted the urge to Google too much there are still too many what ifs.  This has been extremely hard to do.  Google is like a drug, you know its just waiting for you to type something in and it will give you results. Last time I Googled causes of kidney cancer it told me it mostly strikes 50+ year old black men. As I am a 33 year old white woman I found this to be annoying, so I stopped Googling.

Yesterday I was having a pity party for myself in my head.  I wanted to stay home and feel sorry for myself, instead I went to Drew's graduation and cried like a baby.  I didn't think about 'big Bertha' (Bertha is what I named my tumor) at all during the ceremony.  I was so exceptionally proud of my friend Drew and his wife Danielle for having the courage to do something so difficult - go down to 1 income with 2 small kids - to pursue a dream.  That is really what life is about, tumors or no tumors, chasing your dreams.

So tick tock tick tock lets go 6 days - I want to know what Bertha is.  I want a real game plan about how to deal with her.  I want to get back on Google!

Dreams

So I didn't expect the really wacky dreams.  I have slept with cancer for 2 nights and both nights - CRAZYness was going on inside my brain. Now this is obviously not because the cancer is present, but because I KNOW that its there.  Until 2 days ago I had normal, boring, I didn't remember them kinda dreams. I am going to look at this and just be grateful I can sleep at all.  I like to sleep it makes me a far more pleasant and productive human during the day.

The Beginning

Its pretty surreal to hear someone tell you that you have cancer.  The word just sort of lingers in the air.  However I will say its even more surreal to tell other people you have cancer.  The reactions vary - some cry, some get super inquisitive, some are quiet, some don't know what to say.  You hear a lot of sorry's, and you'll be in their prayers.  Truth is there aren't any right words - what I was looking for, what I needed and what I eventually received from my 'people' was a normal conversation.  I don't want my discussions to be centered around biopsy's and doctors.  I want to hear Kelly tell me a story about her son's love of burping at completely inappropriate times.  I want to hear Danielle tell me about a book I just HAVE to read and then laugh that Kelly shouldn't read it due to its provocative content.  If anything I have gained a unique perspective of the importance of time & spending it with people I love & enjoy.